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27 May 2009 @ 11:26 am
a love so much refined | spock/kirk, sarek/amanda | 1,205 words  
title: a love so much refined
author: tasheila
pairing: spock/kirk, sarek/amanda
rating: pg
words: 1,205 words
summary: a promt from st_xi_kink round two:

Spock/Kirk, Sarek + outsider pov

Sarek watches his son and Kirk together and is reminded of his relationship with his wife - and how deep humans can love - and how humbling it is to be the recipient of such emotions.

notes: poem is valediction: a forbidden mourning by john donne, aka my favorite poem ever and i think it describes kirk and spock so perfectly. i recommend it if you haven't read it.



There is a Terran belief that Amanda told him once: “A girl is destined to marry a man exactly like her father.”

She told him this in the early days of their courtship, he the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, she a schoolteacher he had met when he was trying to investigate how children in this new planet were taught. What attracted her to him, after the initial hostility, were his silence, his dark, searching eyes and his intelligence. He was, she said, “just like my daddy, who is silent and probing, not a man of many words but I know he loves my mama, so I suppose you will love me too.” He doesn’t have the heart to break it to her that this all changes; someday she will resent him, because he finds himself believing her: that he will love her too, just like her father loves her mother, Vulcan be dammed.

He remembers those days clearly: Vulcans don’t “date”, but her parents were traditional and refused to allow an engagement until they knew for sure that it was what their daughter wanted.

So they went on “dates” like her family said, dinner in cities she had only dreamt of as a child. He was the debonair (insofar as Vulcans could be debonair) Ambassador to Earth and therefore slightly important, and whoever he was squiring around town was bound to catch some attention. She took to it perfectly, like a young lady on the precipe of something great.

If he closes his eyes he can see how she looked like in those days: dark hair done up in a bun, a dress that reached to her knees, usually in navy blue because she knew he liked that color best. Her lips done in a light coral shade, and every time he kissed her cheek in greeting (a human custom he indulged in) the smell of her perfume (something tangy but sweet, a scent he would miss in Vulcan when she was required to leave her humanly possessions behind) would assault his senses until he was left wondering if he really was Vulcan and emotions were the greatest feelings.

These were the days before his kolinahr, before he stopped holding her hand and whispering his devotion, before he started expecting her to know how he felt despite his attempts to rid himself of all feeling, before he told himself and his son that he married her out of logistics, before he could see her heart hardening against his fist, before all she had left was a kiss to his forehead and that would be enough for her. Before he realized he could still feel her aching, breaking love for him in their silence and because it was silent he took it to mean Vulcan and so she raised her son with all the love she couldn’t give him but he could still feel all of it.

He still feels it now.


He used to worry sometimes, that Spock’s human will tire of him.

He caught them once, in the few minutes before Kirk was confirmed as captain of the Enterprise. He was looking for his son, and had stumbled upon him in one of the unused rooms next to the assembly hall: Spock, sitting on a desk with his legs stretched out, Kirk in between them, their arms around each other, softly whispering, sweetly touching.

He was close enough to see the look between them: Kirk’s smiling eyes as the arms around him tightened, and the expression of utter contentment that had befallen his son. They were, inasmuch as he could see, perfect, the type of perfection he wished for as a child confused by the muted passions between his parents, the type of perfection he attained in that short time of complete happiness with Amanda, and then the type of perfection he dispensed of after reaching kolinahr.

Watching them now, as his son puts his fingers on the cheek of his mate to do the mind-meld (that most Vulcan way of sharing feelings which went deeper than physcal intimacy), he realizes his son will never achieve, nor should he try to, reach kolinahr. What right does he have to force this human to stop giving him love, a love he throws himself into so wholeheartedly, like it is imperative for him to do so?

It was the right he never had when Amanda had to do it for him.

This moment, is when all of his worries about the relationship between his son and Captain James T. Kirk disappears. Because just like Amanda never stopped loving him, Kirk never will.


“Forgive me, young man, but I believe we have not been acquainted,” he tells young Kirk, and the Captain is ever magnanimous to him, smiling back. “My son has not introduced us, and I fear he may never get the chance to.”

Understanding dawns on Kirk’s face, before it is replaced quickly by fear. “Sir, I can assure you that I am no means as unprofessional as I may have seemed on the ship. I – “

“You do not have to apologize,” Sarek interrupts him. “When I met his mother she was just as hostile, before I convinced her she had nothing to worry about.”

Kirk’s eyes widen, because at this moment he has ascertained what Sarek knows about him and his son. Sarek is coming to know: when it comes to his son, the extraordinary James T. Kirk lets go of his carefully contained façade.

His voice comes out softly, gaspingly, “Do you think she would’ve-“

“Approved?” he interrupts again, his eyes warm and accepting, “she adored him. I daresay no one less than a human would’ve met her measure on who deserved to love her son.”

“Well,” Kirk stumbles on his words. “What about you, what do you say?”

“She once told me, ‘A girl is destined to marry a man exactly like her father,’ He says, his eyes taking on a faraway look. “If you can love him the way she loved me then you have my approval.”

Sarek knows he will do it. It isn’t the easiest thing, to love a Vulcan, but from experience, a human determined to do so always will.


It is a strange thing, to have a human love you, and now that is gone from him, he stops fearing it, he welcomes it like she deserved when she was alive, when she should’ve been able to hold his hand if she had so desired. There were so many things that should have been hers, what he had promised her, and yet never given her.

She read him once a poem by a Terran poet and it went like this:

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.


It is her love. It is their love, and it is the love that their son will share with his T'hy'la.

If he closes his eyes, he can remember her voice whispering the poem, her lips kissing his forehead as he stood impassively, one of the rare times he allowed her to show her affection.

He can remember.



 
 
 
Kristie: > mix: stop hateaohatsu on May 27th, 2009 04:24 am (UTC)
You wrote Sarek! I'm so pleased with this I could explode!

Really--I love this. How Sarek would approve of his son getting involved with a human, just like he did, because while illogical, humans can love more easily than Vulcans, if Vulcans bother to try at all.

Goodness.

Thank you. <3
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 12:30 pm (UTC)
thank you! i was worried that this might seem a bit OOC for him, but then maybe after amanda's death he started to rethink how he'd lived his life, and his telling spock that he married her because he loved her was the first step.
Melawen: k/smelawen_c on May 27th, 2009 04:39 am (UTC)
Ohhhhh, beautiful!!!! Love it all, completely. :)
And this line, especially: It isn’t the easiest thing, to love a Vulcan, but from experience, a human determined to do so always will.

♥ ♥ ♥
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 12:30 pm (UTC)
thanks so much. :D
Angelaallbutwon on May 27th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
Oh. This was stunning. I love the slow sweep of it, how Sarek feels about Amanda, how her love to him helped him accept the love Kirk feels for Spock.

Beautiful, absolutely.
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
thank you! it's my first attempt at trek slash, i'm bowled over by the response. :D

it's logical for sarek to realize this, and i'm glad he did.
Angela: spock II: zqallbutwon on May 27th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC)
It was so amazing, so beautiful. I would not have known it was your first attempt, had you not said it.

You know what? I am too.
(Deleted comment)
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 12:55 pm (UTC)
i was actually thinking of this the other day. i hope the future doesn't have prop 8 crap and everyone can marry everyone (well, i guess inter-species marriages are frowned upon but i hope it's different for genders).

and i guess for sarek it really doesn't matter the gender, only that it's a human that loves his son.
a million summersjikeidannin on May 27th, 2009 05:15 am (UTC)
You know, I was watching the movie again the other day, and there's the conversation that Sarek has with Spock, where he admits to loving Amanda. And I had been thinking that maybe, just maybe, Sarek was sort of telling Spock that loving Kirk was acceptable - and perhaps even necessary.

This fic made me so happy to read. Thank you.
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
i was thinking about that when writing this too. when he encouraged spock to let it out, i was all, "gulp"

thank you! :D
clarity scifiroots: Slashscifiroots on May 27th, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)
Loved it! And it's not on my rec list. =)
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
thank you!
clarity scifiroots: Fanficscifiroots on May 27th, 2009 01:14 pm (UTC)
Oh jeez. This morning I look at my comment and realize I did a bad typo. I meant now on my rec list - instead of "not."
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:16 pm (UTC)
haha i was confused for a bit yes, typos suck.
Alex: STKirkSpockdragonlit on May 27th, 2009 06:20 am (UTC)
I loved the feel of this and the pov. Sarek's acceptance would be there. Your narrative flowed very nicely and had such a soft tinge of sadness and regret to it that I adored. Thank you.
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:03 pm (UTC)
thank you, i'm glad you liked it. :D
taste the whip of love not given lightlythelilytriad on May 27th, 2009 06:47 am (UTC)
ohhhh.

So soft and bittersweet.

I felt for both couples.


Most fics have Sarek disliking Kirk, which, I think fits with series canon. But your Sarek and his acceptance definitely fit with movieverse.

The scene with Spock on the desk and Jim between his legs? D'awww. So sweet.
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:06 pm (UTC)
thanks. :D i like to think sarek started rethinking his life after his wife died and vulcan was destroyed, and now he's turned into a big, old softie who just wants to see his only child happy.

and i was having so much fun writing that part, thinking about how perfect spock and jim were together, hee. :D
White Phoenix of The Crownfavouriteyear on May 27th, 2009 11:30 am (UTC)
This is beautiful.

Next to Spock, Sarek is one of my favourite characters. I love how you've written this. I don't know if you've seen The Search For Spock, but your story seems to echo some of the sentiments there. I mean that as a compliment.

Brilliant. I have read some of your other stuff, and I knew this was going to be GOOD. :)
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:08 pm (UTC)
thank you! i haven't seen much old episodes, i'm new to this fandom, so i was so nervous writing this, lol. and thanks about the old stuff too. :D
spookyfbispookyfbi on May 27th, 2009 02:01 pm (UTC)
That's just what I was going to say!

It actually feels like a precursor to SFS, the way Sarek is all 'if you honor Spock, you have to save him' or something along those lines and then when Kirk is like 'I care about your son more than you can know. I'd die for him', it's almost like he's referencing this fic, like he's saying 'your aproval of me as your son's lover was not misplaced, I will save him'. I mean, I know it's a different universe, but I love it when a movieverse fic feels like it could still be a precursor to some of the TOS stuff *hearts*
White Phoenix of The Crownfavouriteyear on May 27th, 2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
There's also the fact that Sarek automatically assumed that Kirk would have Spock's Katra. That was the most telling of all! /post hijack
spookyfbispookyfbi on May 27th, 2009 02:48 pm (UTC)
Not only that, but apparently Kirk doesn't have Spock's katra = all is lost. It doesn't even occur to him that someone else might have it. And when Kirk thinks of it, like 'he would have found some way', like it would only be an absolute last resort to give his katra to anyone but Kirk...
And then there's Sarek's surprise that Kirk didn't already know about the katra, because no matter how private Vulcans are, of course he would've told Kirk everything (after all, it didn't take much for him to tell Kirk about the pon-farr. One minute he's all 'outsiders must never know, unless they're directly involved' and then as soon as Kirk swears that he won't tell anyone else, suddenly it's ok to tell him all about it... Because, as we all know, Kirk is directly involved in Spock's sexual behavior... But I digress. And I think I'd better close this bracket soon...)
White Phoenix of The Crown: Kirk 2favouriteyear on May 27th, 2009 02:57 pm (UTC)
in short. Kirk+Spock=TWU WUB 4EVAH! y/y?
spookyfbispookyfbi on May 27th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC)
Twu wub which transcends not only death itself, but the timeline as we know it (Thank you Mr Abrams for that little piece of cannon!)
daisylily: eating Chinese and laughing: z_trek_spock2_reddaisylily on May 27th, 2009 12:00 pm (UTC)
This is lovely. I particularly like Sarek's subtle way of telling Kirk that he approves.
tasheila on May 27th, 2009 01:08 pm (UTC)
thanks so much, i'm glad you liked it. :D
(Deleted comment)
tasheila on May 30th, 2009 11:32 am (UTC)
thank you!

he's such an interesting character. idk much about oldcanon!sarek but nu!sarek is such a wide open space.
Helicelirulien on May 27th, 2009 03:53 pm (UTC)
I've always found Sarek interesting (fascinating...) and have a certain fondness to Amanda. Pitty we didn't get to see them in ST 11 like the trailer indicated. I also do not think Winona Ryder is the right person for Amanda, she looks old and tired and just makes me think "poor woman"...maybe it's just there's so few scenes of her, but still. The Amanda I saw in my mind when I was listening to the audio-book would radiate beauty of liveliness, even when she's old. Especially when she's old. But probably your fic has given an Amanda that I can reconcile with the one in ST 11. Because loving a Vulcan, who has purged his emotions -- or at least believing to be so -- is difficult, and both her love and loving him wore her down.
Helicelirulien on May 28th, 2009 08:16 am (UTC)
BTW
Oh and um, I really like your fic -- so, may I have your permission to translate it into Chinese and post it? It will be posted on my LJ and mtslash.com. My email is helicey@hotmail.com, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Thank you!!!
Helice
tasheila on May 31st, 2009 04:04 am (UTC)
i'm new to the st fandom, so i don't know too much about how sarek and amanda were in those ~olden days~ but from what i've read they seemed really affectionate...so perhaps that's the amanda that would radiate vitality, whereas movie!amanda would be aged before her years, which is why i liked how they aged winona ryder up. she doesn't even seem old, more...sad, i feel like.
Lady E: spock & kirklady_elina on May 27th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
This was lovely and subtle. You have a beautiful, understated way of portraying the characters' emotions, thoughts and relationships. Quiet and reflective, yet intense on some deep level.

Thank you for sharing!
tasheila on May 31st, 2009 04:05 am (UTC)
thanks so much! :D
GreenKey: fan|stXI - spock profile w redgreen_key on May 27th, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC)
So very nice how you tie up loose Vulcan ends from the film here. We saw that as a child, Sarek steered -even manipulated- Spock into favoring his Vulcan half. And the regret he would have after losing Amanda, to the extent that he would confess to Spock that he loved Amanda. An unspoken acknowledgement that Spock shouldn't feel the Vulcan shame attached to his emotions. Really nicely done.
Profiterole: Star Trek - Kirk and Spock_profiterole_ on May 27th, 2009 09:20 pm (UTC)
That was lovely! <3
K. Takefutago_02 on May 28th, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC)
omg, this is lovely. really great, and very very touching.
it only burns when I breathe: st09: kirk&spock - shipanim by renestarkspikedluv on May 28th, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC)
That was beautifully written. So bittersweet, it brought tears to my eyes. I would have missed it, but for the Kirk/Spock pairing in the header, as I've been having to pick and choose what to read, given the volume of fic coming out of this movie. I'm glad I didn't miss it.
Lila-Blue_Brandybuck: Dean - Sighlila_blue_b on May 29th, 2009 11:48 am (UTC)
Really powerful! Bravo! I love this!
Rhaegalrhaegal on June 5th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC)
This is lovely! Reboot Sarek is a lot more emotional than TOS Sarek, and I can totally buy his losing Amanda giving him reason to approve of Kirk. And that scene he witnesses between them is the most adorable thing ever.
(Anonymous) on December 31st, 2009 08:36 am (UTC)
This is exactly the fic I've been craving since I got into the fandom. Much enjoyed!
slipofthehandslipofthehand on February 23rd, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC)
Aw, I loved this so hard, But poor Sarek. My heart bleeds for him just as it does for Spock!Prime. You did a really good job at ripping out my heartstrings so sweetly and adding a dash of love to make it better.
ToraGuru: rdjtoraguru on May 5th, 2013 10:56 pm (UTC)
Amazing fic. Thank you so much. <3
you can kiss me (because we're older).: SPN: to call for hands of above.endora_taylor on June 11th, 2013 03:02 am (UTC)
this was beautiful! it almost made me cry. well done!